Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
