hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
