MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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