dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
