does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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