We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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