You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
