Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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