In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
