just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
