so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
