Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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