Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
