I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
