I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
