I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
