when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
