Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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