I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
