Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
