can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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