There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
