Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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