i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
