yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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