there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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