Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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