I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
