Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
