Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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