so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
