please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
