I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
