Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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