i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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