mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
