I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
