It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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