I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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