you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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