New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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