i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
