I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
