So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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