just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you pee in the oven last night??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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