you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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