i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
