She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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