Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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