We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
