His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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