i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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